Primum Non Nocere

Firstly, do no harm

590,418 notes

One: Buy condoms. Buy them and keep them with you at all times, and use them before you are asked to use them. And use them every time. The peace of mind you allow your partner will free her to be vulnerable with you, and that, my son, is exactly what sex is about. Condoms are sexy. In fact, call buying condoms foreplay.
(Footnote: If you are too embarrassed to buy condoms, you are not ready to have sex.)

Two: Kissing is not merely foreplay. Spend entire evenings making out on the couch while fully clothed. Believe me, dry-humping rocks.

Three: Sex is not just about friction. It’s about emotion. Stop trying to find her clitoris and find her heart. Because then she’ll help you find her clitoris.

Four: If you really wanna know how to please a woman, ask her how she masturbates. Then do that. A lot. If she claims she doesn’t masturbate, offer to take her shopping for a vibrator so you can both learn the vocabulary of her body together.

Five: Don’t put anything in her butthole you wouldn’t want in your own.
(Footnote: Try a pinky finger, it’s kinda awesome.)

Six: When you go down on her—and you will go down on her, and if you are my son, you will be amazing at it—tell her how good she tastes. Stop in the middle and kiss her deeply so she knows how good she tastes. Do the same when she goes down on you.

Seven: A simple Google search will yield 1,327 euphemisms for male masturbation, yet only 23 for female masturbation. If guys spent less time jacking off and more time jilling off, this world would be a happier place.

Eight: Everything you need to know about the importance of the clitoris is in the movie Star Wars. You are Luke Skywalker piloting your penis-shaped X-Wing Fighter deep inside her trench. Remember: seventy percent of all Death Stars cannot be blown up through penetration of the trench alone. It must be through focused contact with that little exhaust port at the top of the trench. Otherwise, any explosions you experience will be merely Hollywood special effects.

Nine: Just because you come doesn’t mean she has, so don’t you dare come before her. Focus completely on your partner. Don’t worry about gettin’ yours, you’re a guy. You always get yours. Your job is to make sure she’s gettin’ hers.

Ten: If sex with your partner lasts no longer than this poem, you are not making love. You are masturbating with her body instead of your hand. Shame on you. Go back to step one. You’ve got a lot of learning to do.
Love, Dad.

Big Poppa E., “How To Make Love”  (via jesusfuckmechrist)

I am reblogging this specifically for the hilarity that is step 8. 

(via kathorsuxx)

YES omg just yes

(via in-freedom-we-find-sin)

Well…….

(via knitmeapony)

This is the best!!!

(via creepitreal666)

(Source: slambien, via libragirl96)

118,544 notes

the-goddamazon:

basicallyfrench:

letsflytoparis:

247muslima:

THIS

WHERE IS THIS FROM ?

It’s from “la source des femmes”

IT’S TRUE.

THERE IS NOTHING IN THE QU’RAN THAT SAYS WOMEN’S SOLE PURPOSE IS FOR OBEYING AND PROCREATING.

We are allowed to inherit and own property and businesses, and we are allowed to CHOOSE our husbands instead of having them foisted upon us in arranged marriages. WE ARE ALSO ALLOWED TO PARTICIPATE IN COMBAT.

I’ve read the Qu’ran COVER TO COVER and there’s nothing God says about women being LESS than men. In fact, God IMPLORES men to treat women as equals. Probably because God knew men have a tendency to foul things up and has to remind them that WOMEN ARE ALSO PRECIOUS CREATIONS OF HIS DIVINE WILL.

-huffs and puffs-

Sorry. I was in my feelings. But this touches my nerves a lot when people misinterpret Islam as some misogynistic religion. Nothing could be further from the truth.

(Source: qawiya, via libragirl96)

49,144 notes

modernathena90:

twerkingderp:

thebisexualfeminist:

This is so important I can’t even put it into words. 
Not all Christians are closed minded assholes.
Not all Muslims are terrorists.
Not all atheists are anti-religion jerks.

THIS


Ok not to be an asshole, but Malcolm X wasn’t a particularly awesome Muslim. There are a thousand better choices. He was, for all but the last year of his life, a member of a radical sect who preached racism, segregation, and in some cases advocated violence. Sure, he was for civil rights, but that doesn’t outweigh his negative actions and words.

Next time, use someone like Mohammad Khatami or Benazir Bhutto.

modernathena90:

twerkingderp:

thebisexualfeminist:

This is so important I can’t even put it into words. 

Not all Christians are closed minded assholes.

Not all Muslims are terrorists.

Not all atheists are anti-religion jerks.

THIS

Ok not to be an asshole, but Malcolm X wasn’t a particularly awesome Muslim. There are a thousand better choices. He was, for all but the last year of his life, a member of a radical sect who preached racism, segregation, and in some cases advocated violence. Sure, he was for civil rights, but that doesn’t outweigh his negative actions and words. Next time, use someone like Mohammad Khatami or Benazir Bhutto.

154,268 notes

geekygothgirl:

jmiah0192:

Japanese child actress Mana Ashida (little Mako) was embarrassed that she couldn’t pronounce Guillermo Del Toro’s name so he gave her special permission to call him “Totoro-san” instead.
My Neighbor Guillermo Del Toro.

If I don’t reblog this, assume I’m dead.

geekygothgirl:

jmiah0192:

Japanese child actress Mana Ashida (little Mako) was embarrassed that she couldn’t pronounce Guillermo Del Toro’s name so he gave her special permission to call him “Totoro-san” instead.

My Neighbor Guillermo Del Toro.

If I don’t reblog this, assume I’m dead.

(via ruinedchildhood)

91 notes

Anonymous asked: Whats a bloody stool symptomatic of?

cranquis:

cranquis:

Funny answer: A dairy-farmer just got kicked in the butt.

Serious answer: “Bloody stools” get divided into 2 categories based on the color:

  1. Black — signifies the blood has been digested, so the source of bleeding is coming from somewhere “upstream”, such as a bleeding stomach ulcer or esophageal varix.
  2. Red — means the blood hasn’t been digested, so the source is likely “downstream”, such as a bleeding polyp or tumor in the colon, a hemorrhoid around the rectum, or an anal fissure (One of the less-appealing medical terms, in my opinion). 

Along with color, other clues to the source of the blood are:

  • Duration: Did this just start up the day after you drank a 5th of vodka, or has it been happening for months?
  • Quantity: Are you crapping out cupfuls of bright red blood per rectum (BRBPR, in medical abbreviation-ese), or is there just a streak on the toilet paper when you wipe?
  • Pain: Is your tummy aching all over, do you feel a painful lump when you wipe, does it feel like your butt is tearing in half when you pass stool? Or are you pain-free (which is much more concerning for cancer)?
  • Age/History of patient: Are you a 65-year old with a family history of colon cancer? Are you a college-student who likes to binge drink? Are you a middle-aged obese person with constipation issues? Do you use your egress as an ingress for purposes of sexual stimulation? Are you under lots of stress? Do you smoke?

A physical exam can help answer some of the possible causes. This usually will involve some/all of the following:

  • Abdominal exam — checking for tenderness, swelling, and presence of bowel sounds
  • Skin exam — looking for signs of anemia (pale skin/lips/eyelids) or jaundice (yellow eyes or skin) or liver failure (prominent blood vessels around the belly button, bright red palms, hemangiomas)
  • The ever-popular D.R.E. (which stands for Digital Rectal Exambut it sure puts a different spin on Dr. Dre’s name, huh?) — a greasy finger up the butt to feel for hemorrhoids, torn skin, and check for presence of bleeding.

Other studies can be done if needed, including:

  • CBC — complete blood count to check for anemia
  • Colonoscopy — to look for causes of bleeding in the lower intestine
  • Esophagogastricduodenoscopy (EGD) — to look for bleed sites in the upper GI tract (mouth/esophagus/stomach/small intestine)

Ok, hope this summary helps answer your question. Thanks for asking!

Disclaimer: This humorous off-the-cuff reply should not substitute for your doctor’s advice. If you are having blood in your stools, you should see a physician in real life, rather than relying on a sarcastic doctor that you met on the internet.

From the Archives: Part 1 of 3 in a dialogue which starts off as an education about rectal bleeding and turns into motivational interviewing about nicotine addiction and smoking cessation.

Part 2

Part 3